I flew west to California last night, leaving a snow-drenched Santa Fe for a damp Santa Cruz redwood forest. I watched the sun set from 32,000 feet and became stuck on the staggering mix of pink and red sloppily splashed on the horizon. The clouds were fixed flatly on the sky by shards of blue and grey and I envied their stillness. I am fascinated by things ending- a sunset marking the end of the day, the flickering of candles framing the lingering moments of Christmas dinner and autumn trumpeting the last moments of color and warmth. I am unsure if I am comforted by closing moments because of their promise of transformation- or by the hope of respite that they carry.
Someone recently said to me, “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you discover why you were born.” While the first part readily happens without our will or permission, discerning the second part seems impossible to realize alone. Instead of continuing to live on chance and in fast-forward, I am starting this daily record in hopes of discovering stillness. I feel stuck in an echo chamber of my singular voice. If you’re willing, I would like to hear your voice too.
I don’t expect to uncover purpose here and I don’t necessarily think purpose is requisite to or potentiates a valuable life. I just think it would be an interesting journey to share and listen- instead of getting stuck inside for another year. Lately, I exist in response to things around me- people, moments and promises slowly peeling apart. I transition with little resistance and without much thought or examination- often choosing what makes sense at the moment. Like a knee reflexes in response to a sudden impact, I find myself in a state of impulse. I don’t like that. I don’t want that. I need to figure out what I want from this giant mess of mind.
I read this week that “without confrontation, there can be no resolution”- so here’s to defiance…