sunset over the pacific, O'ahu, 2010

a pit sank in my stomach,
somewhere between 3 & 4 this morning

i woke,realizing that your mother hated me.
“All parents want their children to be happy in the end”, I said.
“Not when the source of that happiness is tied to hell”,
you said back,
unwavering in the frequency of your voice,
as if you’d known this for years-
as if there was no way around it-
as if somewhere inside you,
you believed this too

I curled my blanket in a ball,
wrapped my body around it
hoping it would soak up this nausea
and quiet the violent stillness outside my window.

I find myself hesitating to call you,
resisting the need to touch your hand at red lights
no longer leaning in to you during quiet moments,
afraid that i am lengtheningĀ  your stay in eternal damnation

perhaps its better that i remain a secret-

dark and damp
on a neglected shelf
that gets buried deep & often

perhaps its true that love does not equal love

does not equal love
does not equal love
& that something inherently evil resides in the river of blood around my heart

but, i wouldn’t count on that.