place of the concord, Paris- December 2009

I am struggling to overcome my instincts.  I feel comfortable being disappointed.  I feel best when someone is forgetting me- when someone is hurting me. It is familiar.  It is safe.  It’s what I’ve come to expect.  I realize how bizarre and ridiculous that all sounds- but its real.

For the most part I am full of nothing but doubt.  Sometimes I feel that there is not much more to me than this damage.  I guess when you are broken in the way I have been broken – you come to rely on yourself far more than you should.  You build up walls and fortresses and design a thousand traps to block people from hurting you again.  I’ve lived in this world way too long.  Until recently, the only way I had out of that world was unhealthy escape routes.

Drinking numbed me.

Lying numbed me.

Running from coast to coast numbed me.

I am terrified that i might not run this time….