climbing the stairs of Arc de Triomphe, Paris - Dec 9, 2009

climbing the steps - Arc de Triomphe, Paris 12/09/09

Like many things that are beneficial – from the breakdown of proteins to form metabolites to the breaking of phosphate bonds to create cellular energy- something could be said for our own spiraling apart…

Recently I have been witness to moments of profound loss, pain and fear.  I’ve walked away from it with a surge of hope from seeing the rebinding of broken ends.  People are far stronger than I could imagine-

The tree outside my window is naked.  It looks unwelcome amongst a sea of evergreens.  I am sedated by thoughts and concern for many that I care about- so I am somewhat wordless this evening.  I wrote the following in May of 2005 during a time of personal loss.  I think it reflects many of the thoughts that are racing through my mind tonight:

never truly mine

my heart dissolved as you left
-you took with you all that is rich and weighty
and precious

like lightning striking from the sky,
there is no atonement
because, for things to heal i need you
i need to feel your hand against mine,
i need to feel your breath in me,

there is no you anymore.

i hate that all i am offered are stranger’s memories of similar loneliness
and anguish
and doubt
because this isn’t strange
this isn’t foreign
this is you—

i can point to the parts of my body that hurt,
and i can identify the parts of me that burn

i can feel the shape that you left in the sheets beside me
i can feel it all so terribly
-so deeply.

it was only touch
simple fleeting moments
carbon touching carbon
elements and atoms crossing back and forth-
and suddenly I am split in half

I lay here staring into the ceiling in hopes that you will return with the lightning
I daydream that you will return like a storm and wash everything clean
and like a flood,
that you will destroy all these broken and shattered and tenable nightmares
that they might cease
– and be replaced with your soft eyes.

There is an entire universe that I’ve never even seen,
there are nebulous apogees i can never reach the end of
– yet i can imagine your eyes taking it all in,
i can imagine the lines of your smile breaking as you left

i know you will no longer return to me.
i know that you were never truly mine.
i can sit here as long as i like, dancing along the keyboard,
and you will never unlock that door.

i can ruminate heavily in the remaining molecules of your scent-
but still,
i know that my ears will never again vibrate
with the sound of your soft voice

I’ve found myself consumed in simple,
useful tasks.
i find myself cleaning all my clothes
and washing my windows
because they are the only thing to remind me
that i am normal
they are the only way of getting back
to places
where you once were